Guilt
by MemoriesOfBetrayal
Summary: A secret concerning the death of Michelangelo kept Raphael away for 11 years, then he returns after being missing for most of those years. Where was he, and what could be so bad that he couldn't return?
1. A Broken Family

I wrote this chapter ages ago, but I never got around to posting it. So here it is…

Disclaimer: Don't own the turtles.

**.Guilt.**

**.Prologue. **

**.A Broken family.**

Donatello sat at his computer typing; only the soft buzz of the machinery accompanied the sound of his fingers moving over the keyboard. Looking at the screen, you could see he was typing random letters, numbers and symbols, not really paying attention to the device. Instead, his attention was on the door. He was the only one remaining in the lair, Leo had made him stay, and Donny understood why. He put his hand on the mouse and highlighted his pages and pages of random letters, and then he began to copy and paste the lot, making a very large document. His eyes flicked to the time in the corner of the screen, it would be light soon. Leo had left hours ago, and was meant to be home hours ago. Don looked back to the door, just willing Leo to walk through, even if he had made no progress. Donny couldn't stand the thought of losing another brother; he didn't want to be alone.

He remembered when it had all started, only six months ago.

It was only six months ago that the family had begun to fall apart with the death of the youngest turtle, Michelangelo.

It was hard for him to think that it had only been six months; it seemed like another lifetime that he last saw his little brother. He could remember the night exceptionally well, down to the last detail…

_It was a clear night, the air felt icy, especially for a turtle. Donatello glanced at the small device in his hands before looking up at his older brother. Leo had his eyes set forward, running as fast as humanly, or turtly, possible. They both jumped from building to building, never slowing down and hardly talking at all, except to check where they were headed._

"_How much further, Don?" Leo asked._

"_Just down here" Donny answered, pointing to the nearest alley. They were heading to Raph's signal; it hadn't been long ago that they had received an emergency call from him, telling them that Mikey was injured. They couldn't get him to elaborate; all he told them was that Mike was hurt really bad. They could only pray they weren't too late._

_The two brothers jumped down the fire escape quickly, the alley was quiet. A little too quiet... But they knew Raph was here, and probably Mikey, too. Leo was the first to notice the silhouette that was their brother, Raphael._

"_Over here" he almost whispered as he began making his way over to Raph._

_Raph didn't even notice his brother approaching; his attention was on the shape in front of him. Donny followed Leo slowly to where he could see their brother. As Leo reached Raph, he had to ask._

"_Mikey? Raph, where's Mikey?"_

_Raph's head sank further into his chest but he gave no other response. Just as Donny reached them, Leo noticed what was in front of his brother._

"_Mikey?"_

_He got no response from Mike or Raph; he got one from Donny though._

"_Mikey!" Don cried as he dropped to his knees beside his fallen brother._

"_Mike…" Leo whispered, still in shock, "is he going to be alright Don?"_

_Only then was it that Don registered that it might not be too late; he checked for a pulse. Nothing. _

"_Don?" Leo didn't like the way Donny was acting._

"_Nothing" replied Don, his tone obvious that he had no hope; his little brother was gone._

_None of them really knew what to do; they all stood there dumbly. Don looked Mikey over more carefully. From the current position he could see the hole in Mike's chest, aimed clumsily at the heart, most likely made from a knife of sorts. That must have been the end of his brother, but there were other injuries. There was blood dribbled down the corner of his mouth leading to a small puddle on the ground that small puddle joined a huge one still seeping out from underneath the turtle._

_That's when it hit him; the truth came crashing down around him. Michelangelo was dead, gone, not alive. Never again would he hear that annoying laugh, see that cheeky smile, fall prey to a childish prank. Never again would Mikey come to him with something to fix with that pleading, whiny voice and those big puppy dog eyes… his baby brother, the lighthearted, innocent turtle… it was so unfair how life worked, his brother… Never again would any of them be whole, they would no longer be four ninja turtles, just three. He felt so empty already. He missed Mikey._

_His thoughts were interrupted by Leo who seemed to have temporarily gotten over his shock and grief, "Guys, we've gotta go"_

_Don took a few minutes to register what the words meant, and that he had to move. "Raph, did anyone call the police?"_

_Raph however didn't seem to be listening. "It's my fault," he muttered to himself._

"_No" Leo disagreed, "Raph you tried your best"_

"_I did it…"_

"_Did what?" Donny asked._

"…_My fault…" Raph repeated._

"_Raph" Leo interrupted, "You can't blame yourself, there was nothing you could've done"_

"_You don't get it, if I'd just waited…"_

"_If you'd waited for what? To call us, Raph, you could've died too" Leo tried to convince him he was wrong._

"_I'm sorry Mike," he whispered before he stood up. Despite his injuries, he picked up Mikey and jumped onto the rooftop, leaving it to Leo and Don to follow him home._

_The turtles arrived back at the lair to be greeted by Master Splinter who, upon seeing Michelangelo, seemed to age before their eyes. As soon as Mike was taken from him, Raph collapsed onto the floor. He had ignored his own injuries when carrying his brother, but now that the need was gone he had nothing to propel him forwards. Instead of spending time on the brother they couldn't save, they spent their time making sure they didn't lose two._

Donny snapped out of his memories when he heard the lair door open, with a slight ray of hope he ran out to greet his older brother. "Anything?"

Just looking at Leo he knew the answer even before his brother shook his head. Don's spirits fell again; he always got so excited when Leo got back, deep down he still held hope, after six months you think he would've given up hope that they'd find their missing brother. After Michelangelo's death, their other brother, Raphael, had gone missing from the lair as they had all slept and never returned. They still harbored some hope that their brother was alive, but he had left while still injured which greatly depleted his chance. They clung to the hope that he would still come back one day.

Yeah right, Don thought as Leo walked further into the lair. Donny followed Leo to the kitchen and as his brother got a drink of water, he continued to talk, "There are a bunch of new gangs around, Casey can't do it all himself and I think April's slowly convincing him to stop trying. He's gonna get himself killed"

"Those two deserve a proper life" Don told his brother who nodded sadly.

"Yeah, the only problem is, should we help with the gangs? What would Master Splinter say?"

Don could also remember the death of their beloved father and sensei, only three weeks after the loss of their two brothers. His health had been a constant worry for the brothers, with each passing day their father grew thinner and weaker, he didn't look after himself, and that one morning he just failed to wake up, leaving only Don and Leo remaining of their small family.

They buried Master Splinter near Mikey at Casey's farmhouse; they could only hope someone could bury them there, and that they could find Raph so that they could truly be together.

Don had his response to Leo's last question, "He would say your safety is important, don't throw your life away"

"Yeah, I guess" Leo reluctantly agreed, "But we can't keep living like this"

"There is no other way for us to live"

"I know, I wish Master Splinter was here… and Mikey and Raph"

"Me too" Don stood up, "Can I please come next time?"

Leo looked at him, "You know what happened last time"

Don nodded, they both remembered. They had run into some trouble and Donny got hurt, not seriously but enough to scare Leo, Leo had helped him but wouldn't let him go again, Leo spoke again, "I can't lose you too"

"I know but I'll be careful"

"Fine, but if anything like that happens again…"

Donny quickly agreed, a little happier now that he had a chance to help and wouldn't feel quite as useless. He wanted to find Raph too, to find a little hope for their broken family.

**.End Prologue.**


	2. Our dark protector

_**It seems people actually might like this story!! I was very shocked -and pleased- to find that people had actually read and reviewed-and enjoyed- my story! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I hope this chapter keeps up with standards!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles, they belong to Eastman and Laird!**_

**.Guilt.**

**.1.**

**.Our Dark Protector.**

_**Eleven Years Later...**_

Now...just put that...there...then tighten that over it...then to put the cover back on. Donatello sighed once he'd at last screwed the covers back on both his and Leo's brand new Shell Cells. A brand new design, system, everything. He leaned back in his chair and sighed again, closing his eyes and slowly drifting off to sleep...

"Don! Getcha butt out here!" he heard Leo's loud call.

Not wanting to get up, he just called back. "What?!"

"C'mon! We've gotta go to April's ta pick up the groceries!" he heard Leo answer.

"Damn" Donny muttered, getting out of his chair and walking out to meet Leo by the doorway. Both he and Leo had agreed long ago that none of them were to go out without the other, they were the only ones left and had to stick together. Close. He grabbed his coat, and bo staff, before heading out with Leo.

They walked down the sewer tunnel together.

"How is April?" Don asked, he hadn't talked to her in a month. He only ever talked to her once a month, when they made their only trip to the surface to get food and other supplies from their friend. Leo talked to her on the phone about once a fortnight.

"She's barely coping" Leo answered truthfully.

Don stared at the dark ground, watching his feet. April hadn't been holding herself together too well since Casey'd died, their only consolation was that Casey had died how he wanted. He went out fighting. April had gotten him to give up protecting the city just five years ago, but the thugs of New York city, mainly Purple Dragons, were still after him. It was only a year ago that they finally reached their goal of killing the hated vigilante. Even after a year, April would still burst into tears, at any time, for no apparent reason.

"What has she been up to?" Don asked, trying to make conversation.

"She's reopened the antique shop. Chasing after artifacts has become too troublesome, so she has retreated to the shop" Leo explained.

"Oh well, that's pretty good, I s'pose" Don muttered.

"Mm" Leo mumbled. "It sucks"

Don remained quiet, just thinking. After a second, he stopped. "Damn" he cursed under his breath.

Leo stopped. "What?"

"I forgot our shell cells" Don told his brother.

Leo sighed. "That's it? Who would we call with them anyway?" He asked.

"Good point" they both started to walk again.

A few minutes later, they emerged from a manhole and slipped into the welcoming shadows of the nearest alley. They had a short way to travel, as they never came up anywhere near April's, in case they were being followed. They were straight up the first fire escape and making their way across the rooftops.

Old habits kicked in when they heard a scuffle in a nearby alley and they had to check it out. On sight of Purple Dragons attacking a lady, they two jumped down, weapons at the ready.

Don's foot connected with one of the thug's heads as he landed gracefully on the ground, Leo doing the exact same. The two targeted thugs fell to the ground, unconscious, and the two remaining stood, both sporting similar smirks. Leo glanced at Don.

"Uh, Donny?"

"Yeah, Leo?" Donny answered uneasily.

"I don't think this was a very good idea"

On his words, Purple Dragons piled into the alley from the street. Don glanced up toward the rooves, their only escape...or not. Dozens of Foot ninja watched from above, blocking their only escape. They'd have to fight their way out, and that would be difficult when there were over one hundred people surrounding them, wanting their heads.

Don gulped. "Yeah, me neither" he answered Leo quietly, before they charged head on into the crowd.

Donatello swung his bo, knocking a few away, then ducked under an incoming chain, sending his fist into the chain-wielding guy's gut. A roundhouse kick to a guy nearby, punch, swing bo staff. He then planted one end of his bo staff on the ground, and swung around it, knocking at least six Purple dragon's away. As he regained his balance, a metal pole hit him across the plastron, and he went flying with a yell, crashing into the hard brick wall. He heard Leo call his name, but he just jumped up, and continued to fight the on-coming criminals.

A few minutes later, he felt a burning pain in his left calf, and looked down to find a pocket knife sticking out of his leg. His spare hand automatically went to his calf and his other gripped his bo tighter, turning his knuckles white. He glanced up, finding Leo slicing at the enemies quickly and mercilessly, trying to reach his brother. The blue-masked ninja was limping, and had a large, deep gash running from just above his eye, and over his beak. Don pulled the knife out, and barely managed to stand.

"Donny!" he heard Leo call, "We've gotta get outta here!"

Don agreed silently, but everywhere he looked, there were enemies. Then, a Foot ninja fell from the roof, and landed on two purple dragons. Don looked up at them, and was surprised to see their numbers slowly disappearing.

"Up!" he shouted to Leo.

Leo understood and collected Don, helping him up the fire escape quickly, as to escape the Purple Dragons now chasing them. When they reached the rooftop, they were surprised to find at least thirty Foot ninjas, and all of them were focused on someone. The someone was taking them down quickly, but they were still a challenge. All Leo and Don saw was a dark shadow, moving quickly. They knew this somebody. Well, not exactly, but whoever it was, had been watching over them, protecting them for nearly three years now.

They were both surprised when a sai came at them from the battle, it landed at their feet. Leo bent down and picked it up. The feel was...familiar, and it looked familiar. But where from? He knew this was the stranger's.

"Here!" he called, sending the sai to its owner with a flick of the wrist.

Its owner caught it. "Thanks" he offered in a growl of a voice, "Now run!" he called.

Both Don and Leo recognised something in his voice, and automatically trusted the stranger. But neither obeyed, he could be in trouble.

"Get the sh...hell outta here!" the stranger called, which was soon followed by a pained scream. Don cried out in surprise as the stranger disappeared in the group of ninja, a second later he rose again and continued to fight. Soon, all of the foot ninjas were either unconscious, or had fled the scene. As soon as there was that quiet moment, the stranger ran off, jumping from building to building, away from the shocked brothers.

A glint of metal caught Leo's eye as they turned away from the scene, and he left Don to see what it was. It was one of the stranger's sais. Leo picked up the familiar weapon, and shoved it into his belt, looking after the ninjas. He was positive he knew who the 'stranger' was, and he was pretty sure Don did too by now. He returned to his brother.

Leo helped Don as they moved to the next building, and down a far fire escape. They had to hide, the Purple Dragons would still be after them, so they disappeared down the nearest manhole, and made their way to their lair. April would have to wait.

The trip back to the lair was the slowest ever, but finally they arrived. Leo immediately went for the first aide as Donny took a seat. When Leo returned, he had to clean and stitch Don's leg, which, with a little guidance, he completed well enough. Then, Don got a look at his brother's head. As he had expected, no stitches were needed.

After their injuries were taken care of, Leonardo disappeared to call April, and Don returned to his lab where he grabbed his and Leo's new shell cells and headed back out. By the time he'd limped back out and sat down, Leo had finished on the phone and sat beside his brother. It was in an awkward moment of silence as they waited that Leo finally got to talk about what he wanted.

"You know who that was, don't you?" He asked.

"Who?"

"That guy who was fighting the foot ninjas" Leo elaborated.

Don shook his head. "How could I know that?"

Leo said nothing, just drew the sai still in his belt. He handed the familiar sai to his brother, and watched as Don rolled it over in his hands.

"It can't be" the purple clad ninja whispered, feeling the familiar red leather. He looked up at his brother, tears in his eyes. "It's..."

Leo nodded, smiling, tears coming to his own eyes. He thought nothing could make him happier now than the thought that his brother was alive, but after seeing the hope and life spring back into Donny's eyes, he was proved wrong. Their family may not have been whole, but if their brother returned to them, they would be as close as they could get. Suddenly, it seemed that his brother was back from the dead.

"It's Raphael..." Don whispered.

**.End Chapter 1.**

_**Dun Dun Duuun! Cliff hangers, ya gotta love 'em! Reviews are great encouragement, and inspire authors to write quicker -hint hint-! Anyways, 'til next time... ciao!**_


	3. Back From the Dead

_**Oh, my God! I am SO sorry! No apology would be suitable right now; I have a long list of excuses even though I had this chapter written weeks ago. Summed up, it sounds something like this: I deleted the last half of the chapter 'cause I didn't like it, then got writers block. I finally finished, but haven't been able to get the internet in at least two weeks! It has been torture! Anyways, since I've kept you this long, here's the next chapter of 'Guilt'. Please review, I hope no one has quit on me! I apologize sincerely yet again. Read on:**_

_**Disclaimer: Eastman and Laird still have claims to TMNT... does anyone know if they're selling? ...Nah, just kidding (I couldn't afford it!)**_

_**Recap.**_

_"It can't be" the purple clad ninja whispered, feeling the familiar red leather. He looked up at his brother, tears in his eyes. "It's..."_

_Leo nodded, smiling, tears coming to his own eyes. He thought nothing could make him happier now than the thought that his brother was alive, but after seeing the hope and life spring back into Donny's eyes, he was proved wrong. Their family may not have been whole, but if their brother returned to them, they would be as close as they could get. Suddenly, it seemed that his brother was back from the dead._

_"It's Raphael..." Don whispered._

**.Guilt.**

**.2.**

**.Back from the Dead.**

It's Raphael.

The words swam laps in his head. It's Raphael. A mixture of relief, hope, confusion, excitement and longing mixed with the words as they exited Donny's mouth. Raphael. The name Raphael had almost gotten stuck in his throat. He and Leo had tried not to talk about their red-masked brother for at least a few years after his disappearance, but after that time, he was rarely mentioned at any time. And if he was, it was dull and sad, or with a slight laugh at a memory. But never hope, especially when thinking of the future. According to them, their brother had been dead for eleven years... it was as if he'd been resurrected.

The question of what to do next never even entered their minds that day, no questioning or doubts had occurred to them, only hope and relief, and a little confusion. Where had Raph been? Why did he leave in the first place? Was it really Raphael, or just a mistake? The latter barely entered their minds before they expelled them. Not much conversation was made about what to do about the situation, for the remainder of that day they remained in the lair. Don mentioned calling April and telling her the news, but Leo wanted to do it in person, so she was left completely in the dark. They decided that they would tell her that night, with a trip to her apartment. They needed to pick up the groceries anyway. The day passed quite quickly, and soon Leo was calling Don out of his lab and they were collecting their gear to leave for April's apartment.

The night they travelled to April's apartment was chilly, and very clear. Almost exactly like the night their youngest brother had died. Don hadn't thought about that night for ages, but suddenly it was replaying in his head. The details had blurred over time, but the main even was still there. The feelings of despair were so strong it was as though it had happened yesterday. He glanced down at his hands before realising he didn't have his tracker, there was no reason, there had been no emergency call from Raph. He tried to focus on the present, and soon succeeded, trying to keep his memories at bay, at least for now.

A few minutes later, they arrived at April's kitchen window. Leo knocked as Donny waited just behind him. It took a few minutes for April to open the window and step back to allow them to enter, and as they did they both had to restrain themselves to not just shout out the truth.

"What's up, guys?" April asked, sitting on the sofa. Donny sat beside her, but Leo remained standing. None of them knew how to say it, should they let her figure it out herself with clues or just shout 'Raph's alive!' and do a little jig here in the middle of April's living room. Don felt like doing the latter, even including the jig, but he knew he couldn't do that, and so remained quiet. "Guys?" April asked again, glancing between the two turtles.

"Y'know that guy that keeps watching over us, like some guardian angel or something?" Leo began. April nodded. Leo took a breath. "We know who he is..."

"You do? Who?" April sat up straighter, "Did he tell you? Did you meet him? What's his name?"

"Okay, so we know more than _who_ he is. We know him" Leo stated.

April's eyes widened. "Who? What? When? How? Where?" she stuttered

"You forgot 'why'" Donny chuckled, feeling happy and light-hearted enough to joke. April barely spared him a glance before concentrating on Leo.

"Eleven years ago, he disappeared. We thought he'd died, but it seems he's returned..." Leo said, not trying to be mean but enjoying puzzling their human friend.

But she figured it out. "T-that means..." she could barely get any words out, "... that..."

"Raphael's alive" Don finished for her, barely restraining from yelling, and dancing around the living room. He suddenly had the urge to grab April and Leo and form a conga line around the apartment.

April drew a deep breath and launched herself at Don, wrapping her arms around him tightly in pure excitement, and planting a kiss on his reddening cheek. She laughed and cried at the same time, and Don took the brunt of it. When Leo saw his brother blushing so deeply, he had to join in with the laughter, and Don did too. Then they were all laughing, and the only word in Don's head seemed to fit into the weird tune these sounds created. Raphael.

A few minutes later, April leaned back and they all settled down slightly. "The question now" Leo said, "is what do we do about it"

"We've got to get him back" April said immediately. "You've got to tell him you know. Make him see that you would gladly accept him if he decided to return"

"But how can we do that?" Leo asked, not usually one to ask April for help.

"We need to find a way to contact him..." April said thoughtfully, but none of them had any idea just how to do that. The only time they'd seen him was when they were out on patrol that was their only chance. They talked for a long while, at first discussing various courses of action, but after that they just couldn't shut up. They talked about anything and everything, many tales of the old days and their childhood, of Mikey, Raph, Master Splinter and Casey, were recounted.

It was early morning, and they were sitting around talking and eating ice-cream that Don had scavenged from April's refrigerator, when Leo stood up stretching, announcing that it was time for them to head home as the sun would soon be rising. April immediately disagreed, her slight smile turning into a frown.

"You guys can stay here today," she said, "It's not a bother and I'd love to have some company."

Don agreed, as did Leo and they settled back down. It was a few hours later that one of them actually mentioned sleep. April was already asleep on the sofa, resting her head on a cushion on Don's lap, and Donny and Leo were talking quietly. They decided to let April sleep and after Don slid himself out from underneath her, they found suitable places to get some rest.

Morning brought the feeling that it was just a dream to all of them, but it was soon confirmed that the previous night had in fact been real. Despite being tired, there was lively conversation at breakfast that morning, about their decision of last night.

"But there's only a small chance to actually find him" Don said.

Leo sighed; they'd had the exact conversation before. "It's the best chance we've got"

"There has to be something more than just patrolling the rooftops every night and hoping that we'll be lucky enough to have the chance to run into him," Don argued, "Maybe we could set up a ruse. Pretend we're under attack so he comes to our aide"

"And if he found out we'd set him up?" Leo responded. "I think luck is the only thing we have here."

"And we've been real lucky so far..." Don grumbled, "Fine. We'll do it your way, 'see you in the afterlife, Raph'" he said sarcastically.

"Donatello!" Leo snapped, "Stop being so pessimistic"

"Like you don't have doubts?" Don rose his voice, almost yelling across the table. April sat quietly, just watching the argument.

"Of course I have doubts," Leo replied, "I just don't show them openly"

"Well we can't all be as secluded as you," Donny responded, "just because I voice my concerns doesn't mean I'm being pessimistic"

"Guys," April thought it best to intervene, "this argument's getting us no where. If you want to find Raph, you have to keep it together"

"You're right April. I'm sorry" Leo automatically apologized for his behaviour.

"Sorry" Don mumbled, lowering his head.

"It's alright," April sat back, "It's already really stressful, but it is gonna get a lot worse"

"I agree," Leo said, looking over to Don who's concentration was on his meal.

"Yeah, me too" he said quietly, not looking up.

"So, what did we agree on earlier?" April asked, suddenly taking charge. Both turtles were surprised, since Casey's death, April had been very quiet, but since finding out about Raphael, she had changed a lot. Now she was smiling, was becoming a little more outspoken and actually laughing! It was like the old April was coming back.

"To just randomly scout the rooftops," Don answered, actually looking up now.

They quickly revised the outcome of the discussion earlier that morning. Leo and Don would return to lair once it got dark, taking the food and other supplies with them, they would then spend the remainder of the night patrolling New York, hoping to run into Raphael. They would then return to the lair. If they found Raph, they would immediately go to April's and inform her, if that was possible. Their plan hadn't had much planning as the night had been spent telling tales and reliving old memories, but what could they really plan for? The whole event was so surprising, they had no idea what to expect.

After breakfast, they had the long wait of the day. April's antique store was opened for a short while, and she tried to keep herself preoccupied with that, but the turtles had nothing to do but wait. As the day got on and the sun began it's slow decent towards the skyline, Don realised that he hadn't seen Leo for the majority of the day. He quickly sought out his brother, and found Leo meditating in the spare bedroom.

"Hey Leo," Don said quietly as he quietly entered the room, he sat beside his brother as Leo opened his eyes.

"What's up, Donny?" he asked, adjusting his position on the floor.

"It's just... I'm scared," he admitted. Leo remained quiet, waiting for Don to go on. "...What if he doesn't want to come back?"

Leo took a moment to think Donny's question through, and an appropriate answer. "He will"

"How can you know for sure?" Donny questioned.

"I'm not sure," Leo said, "but he's our brother. How can he not?"

"Well, if he had a good reason to leave, then he must not have any reason to stay," Don reasoned.

"It may not be a good reason. He just needs his family behind him, like April said"

"Yeah, maybe," Don stood up, "Thanks Leo, this helped a lot" he took a deep, calming breath and started for the door. "I hope you're right," he said as he exited.

Leo remained sitting on the floor, "I hope so too, Donny" he mumbled to himself.

**.End Chapter 2.**

_**Sorry, it was kind of a short chapter...the next one will be longer. Thanks for the reviews everyone, it may not seem like it but I appreciate every word you have to say. Predictions, hints and constructive criticism are all welcome...in fact, they're more than welcome, so please don't hesitate to leave even a word or two. It takes less than a minute but it goes a loooong way!**_


	4. Our Brother

Finally, I got Microsoft Office, making my writing quicker and easier, which also supplies quicker updates

_**Finally, I got Microsoft Office, making my writing quicker and easier, which also supplies quicker updates! YAY!**_

_**Disclaimer: TMNT isn't on my list of things I own.**_

**.Guilt.**

**.3.**

**.Our Brother.**

The sun wouldn't set fast enough for Leo; he remained in the spare room after his short conversation with Donny, and tried to occupy himself with almost anything. He watched the window impatiently, almost demanding the sun to go down and the sky to darken; he may have been eager to find Raphael, but he was still cautious about safety and discovery. Once he grew impatient enough with the slow night sky, Leo stood from his position on the floor, stretching his legs as he walked out. When he arrived in the living area, he found April and Donatello watching the television distractedly; as he entered the room, they both looked up expectantly.

"It's time, Donny," Leo spoke slowly. Don nodded as he stood up, and retrieved his bo staff with quick steps.

April, too, stood up and walked to the kitchen to retrieve the supplies for the turtles to take to the lair before their night of patrolling the city. As she handed a couple of bags to Leo, she whispered quietly, "Good luck." She then gave him a quick hug before turning around to Donny, she handed him the remaining bags and hugged him too, "Be careful," she said with pleading eyes.

Don nodded, "Don't worry about us, April," he said, "We'll call you in the morning."

April nodded and stepped back, watching as both Leo and Donny exited through the window. They didn't close it behind them, and April walked to it as they raced away across the rooftops, watching them go.

Leo felt relieved to be on the move again, sitting and waiting all day was not his style, he preferred to get out and do something about his problems. Now that he could, he felt the weight sitting on his chest had been slightly lessened, he could breathe. Leo enjoyed the cool wind against his skin as he rushed beside Donny, racing towards their home, and then, hopefully, their brother. When they arrived at the lair, they quickly dropped the bags off on the kitchen table, before heading straight out again, eager to find Raph.

The nights patrol was uneventful, and a disappointment to both of them. The night had only contained foiling another of the Purple Dragon's crime attempts, and teaching a valuable lesson to a few random street punks, but no other mutant turtles. When the sun was too high in the sky for them to continue, the finally decided to call it a night and headed back to the lair for another excruciating days wait.

This continued for many days, it almost became like a routine for them. They would spend all night searching the city, and all day waiting for their next chance to get out and search the city. They soon took to staying at April's, after she begged them to, saying that it would make her feel better to know they were safe during the day, and this made it an even quicker process. It was at least a fortnight after their revelation of the 'stranger' when anything happened.

It was early morning and the two brothers were down by the docks on their nightly patrol, when the sound of a gunshot echoed from down by the docks. Their attention was immediately drawn by the sound, and less than a second after Leo had started towards it, Don was on his tail. As they neared their destination, the sounds of war cries, yells and screams drifted up towards them, and when they reached the scene, it was definitely not what they had expected.

A large crowd was gathered outside an old warehouse, a mixture of groups were at war. As Leo scanned the scene, he saw many groups he recognised. Hun stood out against the crowd; he shoved people aside with his large, muscular arms, and other Purple Dragons were spotted throughout the groups. The other groups included in the brawl were the mobsters, and Foot ninja, as well as a group Leo didn't recognise.

The new clan were clad in midnight blue dogis; a navy blue material covered their heads and came down at the front in a diamond. On their backs, in a lighter blue was a symbol: a shooting star. Leo had no idea what the symbol stood for, or what the group wanted, but he did know that they were talented. As he watched, he saw that this group were quickly eliminating all opposition, showing much skill. They used various moves unknown to even Leo, and all those fighting dropped quickly when they came up against a ninja from this clan.

And in the middle of the crowd, was a lone figure, fighting all who dared oppose him. He was the only one who knew how to defeat this new clan in hand-to-hand combat, and he did so with little difficulty. Even with some of the unknown moves he used Leo knew the style of this person, "Raphael," he spoke loud enough for Donny to hear him.

Don nodded. "Should we intervene?" he asked deviously.

Leo drew a single katana and watched the faint light gleam off the metal. "Please," he grinned, before leaping down from the building and into the fray.

Leonardo landed right behind his red-clad brother, and immediately drew his other katana. As he defended himself and his brothers – Donatello fighting beside him – he tried to get a good look at Raph, to see what condition his brother was in and how much he had changed over the many years it had been since they had last seen him on that fateful night.

Leo fought off the foot ninja around him, and quickly knocked them out. He only came to a problem when he was approached by one of the new clan. As the ninja swung his knives at Leo, Leo barely defended himself with a single katana before the enemy flipped over him with inhuman speed and grace and struck backwards with his knife, lodging it in the cracks of Leo's shell.

Leo screamed as he felt the blade cut into the muscle tissue just under his shell, and his grip loosened on his weapons. His knees buckled for a second and he fell, catching himself just before he hit the ground. He struggled to stand, and did so painfully, raising his katanas defensively. His enemy smirked at his persistence, before delivering a perfectly executed round-house kick to Leo's plastron. Even at full awareness, Leo would never have been able to block the lightning-quick blow. The kick sent him to the ground, gasping for air and fighting the blackness from his darkening vision. It to him a few seconds in which to regain awareness and self control, and he struggled to stand back up. Pain seared through him, with no particular point of focus; his plastron felt as if it had been cracked in half and he had the thought that his shell would fall of any minute now, but he gritted his teeth and concentrated on his opponent who, surprisingly, wasn't attacking him again.

The dogi-clad ninja put his right index finger to his ear, before speaking in a tongue Leo didn't recognise. As he listened to the hisses of the man, he knew the language wasn't any spoken on this earth. His opponent, he realised, was contacting someone through an earpiece, a higher power maybe. He shivered at the thought of a power higher than these guys; they were harder to beat than the Shredder! When the man stopped making the weird hissing noise, he put one hand up, his finger pointed out into the city. With one hiss from the man, all of the unknown clan of ninjas dropped their battles where they were and disappeared into the night.

As he watched them go, Leo wondered why. They were stronger, faster and more skilled than anyone who remained, so why did they feel the need to bail? With the great threat gone, Leo immediately relaxed, turning to his brothers. Raph was defeating enemies with quick, easy blows, Foot, Purple Dragons and mobsters dropped quickly. Leo's gut dropped when he couldn't find Donny immediately, and when his frantic scan of the area found Donny unmoving, half buried under bodies, he almost vomited with fear for his brother.

Leo gritted through his own immense pain as he rushed to his brother, dropping to his knees quickly by Donny's side he inspected his brother. Breath came easier when he realised Don was simply unconscious, but he gasped when he felt a dull thud to the back of his head. The darkness came too quickly for him to fight; he fell.

Awakening in his own room surprised Leo; he stared around with confusion as his vision and head cleared and he thought back to what had happened. It took him only a few seconds to remember the fight, and Raphael... Raphael! That must have been how he had gotten home, Raph must have brought him here. Don had no chance to, Raphael must have. Leo sat up quickly, immediately regretting the action. He lay back down for a minute before getting up, this time slower.

Out in the living area, he saw no one. The lair was quiet, but he wasn't alone. Inspecting the lair further, Leo located Don at the kitchen table, a cup of coffee in front of him and the pot sitting nearby, ready for refills. He slowly enter the kitchen and took a seat, propping his head tiredly on his hand, resting his elbow on the hard surface.

"Finally, you're awake," Donny sighed with relief.

"How long was I out?" Leo asked.

Don shrugged, "I don't know, I was out for a while too, and I have no idea what day it was that we got in that fight... April doesn't either, we were so distracted trying to find Raphael..."

"Raphael," Leo said, "Where is he?"

Don shrugged again, "When I awoke he was nowhere to be seen, but he must have been the one to bring us down here."

Leo nodded into his palm, "How did he know where we live? We moved here a few years after he left," he asked, too tired to think for himself.

"He's been watching us, remember," Don answered.

Leo responded with a quiet "Oh yeah" as Don reached over and grabbed a pot different to the one on the table.

"Tea?" he offered it to Leo with a mug, and Leo gladly accepted with a small smile of thanks. "Do you think Raph's going to stay away?" he asked.

Leo spoke as he poured his tea, "he really needs to stop this disappearing thing, it's getting old," he snapped.

"Not to mention annoying," Don added.

"And childish," Leo continued.

"And just plain mean!" Don finished, pouting like a child.

"I don't know what he's trying to achieve, but he's not going to get it like this," Leo was more annoyed and disappointed at Raph than he was angry with him. "He needs to grow up."

"Maybe he just needed time?" Donny reasoned.

"Eleven years?" Leo scoffed, "he's had more than enough time, what he needs is to face his problems."

"Leo, how will you feel if he does come back?" Don questioned.

Leo gave a sour look, "I'm not sure if I even want him to come back," he growled.

"What?" Don asked sharply.

"I mean, we'd stabilized our lives, we didn't need him to come back and destroy it," Leo snapped.

"But he's already disrupted us, so what's wrong with a little more to get it way better?" Don asked.

"But couldn't we just forget him and get on with our lives?" Leo asked.

"I know I can't," Don said. "Geez, what's gotten into you, Leo, you're usually the opne wasnting our family to stick together."

Leo didn't respond for a moment, "I just...I...I don't know, he just..." he trailed off.

There was an awkward silence during which Don drained his cup of coffee, "Now that you're up and okay, I think I can get some work done," he stood and exited the kitchen, heading straight for his lab.

Leo remained in the kitchen until he had finished his tea, before he stood and walked to his room. Grabbing his katanas which were still in their sheathes, he swung them over his shoulder and checked the time. Ten past eleven pm, great. He wrote a quick note to Don explaining where he was so Don wouldn't panic, and stuck it on his bedroom door, like he hadn't for eleven and a half years. He then left the lair for his own personal patrol.

The night sky was invaded by dark, rumbling clouds that made Leo predict rain in the near future, and the air was cool and crisp, making him shiver slightly. Running on the rooftops soon warmed his muscles and his movement became more graceful and less jerky, and he felt a certain solace within him, glad to be out. He stopped running suddenly when he saw a figure on a rooftop, not far away. Raphael. He set out after his brother. As he approached the building, the skies opened up the rain began to pound down on them heavily.

Raphael sensed his presence as Leo landed softly on the rooftop, and turned quickly, immediately moving into a defensive stance. "Where have you been?" Leo snapped, his annoyance from earlier coming back, only this time as anger. Raphael didn't answer, which just flamed Leo's anger. "Where the hell were you for eleven years!" Leo demanded more than asked, moving closer to his brother, "Straight after... after, you ran! You may have thought you were being heroic, dramatic, but it was cowardice! You're just a coward and if the only way you can deal with that is to run, then you don't belong in this family you helped to break! If you run, you do it completely, you don't stick around and 'keep an eye on your family'. You deserted us, so guess what. We don't want you back, weather you want to come back or not!" Leo took a breath in his raving, raph remained quiet, "We never even got to know what happened that night, with... with our brother, you were the only one that could supply us with the knowledge, but you didn't. For all we know, you could have killed Mikey!"

Raphael's eyes clouded with blackness, darker than the night sky, and he dove straight at Leo with an animalistic growl. They both hit the hard rooftop, and rolled over and over, finally Raph jumped up and took an offensive position. Leo staggered to his feet, marvelling over the strength of his red-clad brother, and took up a defensive position. Raph launched himself forward with amazing speed, striking Leo hard and fast, repeatedly. He drew the only sai he carried with him and spun it expertly in his hand, before slicing at Leo. Leo did a quick handspring out of the way and landed in a crouching position as Raph came at him again, this time making a large slice in Leo's upper arm that the blood immediately pooled up in, spilling over the edge and running down him arm.

Raph pounced onto his brother, trapping him on the roof. Sitting on his brother's plastron, Raph drew his sai back and stabbed downward, sending the blade straight through Leo's shoulder muscle. Leo screamed as the blood bubbled out of the wound and ran down his shoulder, joining the pooling of the blood on the roof from where the blade had gone right through his shoulder, and swirled with the water of the rain.

It may have been the blood, or Leo's scream, but something snapped Raphael out of his trance and the blackness in his eyes rolled away like clouds. His eyes widened with shock at the sight of his brother, as Leo's screams turned into a pitiful whimper. "L-Leo?" he whispered, frozen where he was still sitting on Leo.

He stood up and backed away, looking around frantically, not knowing what to do. His mind was slow from shock as he tried to comprehend the scene and what he could do about the scene he was now trapped in. Then, with no other choice he picked up his brother and held him carefully, jumping across the buildings, heading for the lair.

**.End Chapter 3.**

_**He he, I couldn't resist hurting Leo, I love makin' him scream (this comment is not meant to be taken as a dirty comment as my friends at school took it, please disregurd how it sounds and focus on what I meant!) :-)**_


	5. Cherish

Crap, so much for 'quicker' updates. I'm sorry I took so long, as always, I have an excuse. This time I had to pick up my act at school, after getting very bad half-yearly results, then an equally bad half-yearly report card, I had to put all efforts into school work. I mean, I went from an A-average down to a B, for me that is really bad... even if I am in the top classes. But before I got my results, I guess it was just plain laziness. I'm gonna start on the next chapter now and hopefully get it done as well. I'm on a roll here!

And don't forget to review, it's much easier and quicker than writing a whole chapter. I try, so you can at least give something back – if you think I deserve it, at least.

Disclaimer: If I owned TMNT I would have disowned 'Fast Forward' ASAP.

**.Guilt.**

**.4.**

**.Cherish.**

Donatello didn't even notice Leo had left the lair, when he worked he was completely oblivious to the world outside of his lab. He was therefore shocked when Raphael stumbled into his lab, Leonardo across his shoulders, blood trailing after them.

He was immediately on his feet, rushing to his brother. After eleven years of living with only Leo and April, the remains of their family, they had become even more reliant on each other. His family was his last line to a life he once had and his sanity.

His gut dropped when he laid eyes on the almost unconscious Leonardo, he immediately had to fight back the panic swelling inside of him. Leo can't die, his mind screamed as he ordered Raph to follow him.

Don practically ran to the infirmary, and began gathering supplies with shaky hands. "What happened?" he snapped, then "lay him here" in a quieter voice. As Raph carefully set Leo on the cot Don went about assessing his injuries. "What happened?" he demanded.

"He got a blade through his shoulder, but I don't know what else... we were attacked," Raph explained quickly.

Don couldn't even enjoy the sound of Raphael's voice, speaking to him after so many years, he was concentrating on Leo. He found what Raph meant about the blade through the shoulder, the blood flow was beginning to slow and he made sure not to agitate it as he checked either side of the wound and began to clean and stitch the wound.

By the time Don had fixed his shoulder and was making sure there were no other injuries, which fortunately there wasn't, Leonardo was unconscious. Raphael stood back the whole time, just watching hopefully. As soon as Don stepped back from Leo, making a gesture that meant Leo was okay, Raph turned to leave. He had no intentions to stay and be questioned by Donatello.

Just as he exited the infirmary, and was beginning his way out of the lair, he was stopped by Donatello's call. "Raph!"

Don came running out of the infirmary he'd just exited from, and came to stand beside him. "Aren't you going to stick around?" he asked.

Raph shrugged. "Leo's fine, I don't see why I have ta."

"He's your brother," Donatello shouted, "you aren't gonna hang around and see if he's alright."

"You're lookin' after 'im," Raph said, beginning to walk away.

"You are not leaving!" Don yelled, "Not again!"

Raph stopped, but continued to face away from his brother.

"You can't leave again Raph, we need you here," Donatello spoke softly.

"Looks ta me like yer doin' fine without me," Raph responded.

Donny was quiet for a moment, "It wouldn't look that way if you really saw..." he mumbled in a broken voice.

Raphael spun around to see his brother, tears in his eyes as he tried to convince him to stay. Don was standing there, Leo's blood still on him, as it was also on Raphael. When Raph looked at his brother, it made him want to stay, yet leave as much as ever. He knew they may want him back now, but after they knew what he'd done... he didn't want to be rejected, if he was gonna leave, it would be on his own free will.

"I can't stay," he growled.

"You can," Don said quickly before Raph fled – Raph. Fleeing. A lot had changed in those eleven years he'd been gone. "All we've been trying to do was to find you, get you to come back..."

"I can't come back," Raphael snapped, "I don't belong here."

"But you do," Donny said, "You belong here with your own kind, we're your brothers."

"But you're not murderers," Raph said, "I've done stuff that you can't even imagine."

Donatello had never seen Raph like this. "But if you really do regret it, forgiveness comes next," he said.

"It's not your forgiveness I need," Raph said, "I know you'd forgive me, but I can't forgive myself."

Don approached slowly. "Maybe we can work through it as a family," he said.

"I don't think so," Raphael said as he started towards the door again – he was set on getting away.

"Just let us try," Don said.

"No," Raphael snapped loudly. He winced at the loud sound of his own voice, or so that was what Donatello thought. A second later, Raphael was on his knees, hands clenched into fists as he struggled against some kind of pain.

Donny cried out in shock before rushing to his brother, who began coughing loudly. When he reached the red-clad turtle, Don discovered his brother was shaking furiously, he was tensed in pain. "Raph?"

The turtle struggled to his feet. "'M fine," he grumbled as he continued his way toward the door. A minute later he was on the floor, shaking even more vigorously than before.

Don ran to him and grabbed his shoulders. "Raph?" He made note of how pale his brother was, he was also thin, and covered in many scars – new and old. "Raph, what's wrong?"

Raph didn't look up as he answered. "W-withdrawal..." he stuttered.

"Drugs?" Don asked, eyes wide, "Raph what drugs?"

Raph didn't answer.

"I need to know what drugs so I can help you," Donny almost shouted.

"Dunn-no," Raph said, "Cherish..."

Then he was out, his head flopped forward and Don held him from slamming into the ground. He laid him gently on the floor then stood, staring at him. Cherish. What had Raph been trying to tell him? Was he trying to tell him what was wrong with him? Or telling him to cherish his brothers or life? What if Raph knew he was going to die and they were the last words his brother ever spoke to him?

No, Don thought, he won't die. I'll find out what's wrong.

Donatello lifted Raphael with difficulty, and carried all the way back to the infirmary where he set him on the cot next to the one Leo was resting on. He quickly took a blood sample and whatever else he thought could help and carried it all to his lab where he shut the door and began to research.

He had no idea how much time passed as he worked, all the tests were useless and he'd taken to researching any wild guesses he came up with. He searched many drugs, but there were many with the same withdrawal symptoms his brother had, so they were no help. After falling asleep at least six times, and drinking at least nine jugs of coffee Don had still come up with nothing. He could only guess he'd been in his lab for days... or maybe it was simply hours.

Sooner or later, he heard a hesitant knock on his door before it was opened to reveal Leo standing there. His brother was holding his bandaged arm, and looked like... well, like hell. "Donny?" he asked.

Don glanced at him quickly before turning back to the computer screen; he put a finger to his temple, trying to ease the headache. "What Leo?"

"What happened to Raph?" Leo asked as he moved into Don's lab, "he's out cold."

"I don't know," Don said distractedly.

"Is he gonna be alright," he asked.

"Not if I can't find it..." Don muttered.

Leo glanced at his brother before setting a hand on his shoulder. "C'mon Don, you need to get out of this room for a while."

Donny ignored him, and Leo's grip tightened, "C'mon," he said sharply.

Don sighed and stood tiredly, almost robotically and Leo led him out of the lab. Leonardo, knowing his brother well enough, took Don straight to his room where Donatello immediately collapsed on the bed, snoring lightly.

As Leo exited, he turned off the light before returning to the infirmary to watch over his other brother – Raphael.

**.End Chapter 4.**

He he, more mystery.

Please review and I'll see ya'll next chapter (which will hopefully be soon)


	6. Raphael's Nightmare

Hey everyone, another chapter is here! Get ready for some answers... 'cause this chapters got 'em! Sorry for taking so long, thanks to those who put up with it and thanks to everyone who leaves a review, I'm always so happy to see reviews!

Sorry about the wait, I was having some troubles uploading this chapter, but today it finally decided to work! Yay! I've basically finished the next chapter, just gotta edit it, so it should be up in less that a fortnight! YAY again!

Disclaimer: Ninja Turtles aren't mine... not yet, anyway. MWAHAHAHAAA!!

_**.Guilt.**_

_**.5.**_

_**.Raphael's Nightmare.**_

_A single flickering candle flame licked at the cool air, making eerie shadows dance on the patterned walls of the lair. Nothing could be heard but the mumbles of Donatello as he slept and the cries of Michelangelo in his sleep. Raphael was the only one, he lay awake in his hammock._

_Cold eyes stared up at the high ceiling above him, following the cracks in the brickwork. He glared at a bug that crawled out of one of the cracks, and suddenly his whole mood changed. He glared at the ceiling, suddenly angry at everyone and everything. Then, he found himself climbing out of his hammock, without even realising what he was doing. He tied his red-coloured mask around his head and grabbed his sais from where they sat. Not knowing where he was heading, he walked slowly from his room._

_Raphael seemed to have blacked out, __because when he registered where he was, he found himself outside of Donatello's room. He entered slowly. Why was he even here? He tried to turn around, to return to his room, but his body wouldn't comply. It was as if he were being controlled. He suddenly found himself at Donat__ello's bedside, staring down at his brother's sleeping face._

_A second later, he had his sai out. And he knew what he was here for. "N-no" the croak barely escaped his throat. His arms rose and positioned the blade above Donatello's face. Raphael stood, using all of his concentration, all of his energy, t__o pull his sai away from his brother._

_'What the hell are you doing, you homicidal maniac? Get the f#ck away from your brother! Stop it! Stop it!' his mind screamed at him. 'Leave! Leave right now!' He tried to obey it, but his body was still out of his control._

_His sai came down._

_He was outside Master Splinter's room before he knew what had happened, and he entered quietly. His master was asleep as he entered the room, in his mind he was on the edge of hysterics, yet his body was as calm as ever._

_Next thing he knew, he was exiting the room, his hands coated in blood as he made his way to Leo's room. Just as he entered, he flung his arms out and stopped himself on the doorway. Inside, he grinned triumphantly, he'd been able to control his own body, if only for a second. Then he started forward again, arms at his sides. NO! He screamed at himself, but it made no difference._

_He held his sai with bloody hands, and slowly brought it up, placing it against Leo's throat. At the touch of the metal, Leonardo's eyes snapped open. His eyes were immediately alert, watching Raphael cautiously._

"_R-Raph?" he spoke softly and slowly, as to not jolt his brother._

"_I-I..." Raph increased the pressure on the blade._

"_Raph? Where's Mikey, Raph?" Leo asked._

"_M-Mikey... no..." He brought the sai down more, almost cutting off Leo's air supply._

_Leo looked into his brother's eyes. "Don't do this, Raph," he spoke._

"_F-Forgive me..." he said softly as he dragged the blade across Leo's throat, causing the blood to flow. In heavy rivulets down over the edge of the bed, and all over his brother it flowed. Raph put his sai in his belt as the jolting of Leonardo stopped, and he rubbed his hand through the blood pooled in his brother's throat._

_He then wiped some of it over Leo's face before turning away. Inside he was on the verge of vomiting; the only word he could think was NO! When he reached the doorway, he stopped and looked back._

"_Goodbye," he whispered softly before he hardened, "Brother." He finished in a harsh, sinister voice that gave him shivers, as he exited the room and the lair..._

His eyes snapped open, and he glared around the dark room. After years of living on the streets, the feeling of waking up in a bed was almost foreign, and it immediately confused him. Where was he? He had no memory of going to sleep in a bed; the last thing he could remember was...

Now that he thought about it, he was actually beginning to remember the circumstances that had brought him to his current position. Leo had found him on the rooftops, and then his brother had gotten injured, and he had brought him here, to the lair.

He realised that was where he was, he must have had another attack. He almost slapped himself in the head, if he'd had the energy, he would have. Now there would be questions, well more questions, seeing how there were going to be questions about his whereabouts of the past eleven or so years. He knew he wasn't ready to tell them, to be rejected by his own family.

By those who used to be your family, he reminded himself, he had long ago decided he wasn't a part of this family. They were just too different; he couldn't stay here in the same place as them. He had to get out as soon as possible, but before then he knew he'd have to try to evade their questions. He glanced around the room, taking the whole room in, even if it hurt his head to lift it.

He recognised the infirmary; it hadn't changed since he'd last been here, except that Leo was no longer in one of the beds. He was the only one in the room, and he was grateful for that. That meant no questions. He tried to figure out what he could say when Don asked him about what had happened. There was no way his purple-clad brother could help him, he knew that, the only one that could help him was _her_.

He was not going back to her; he knew that for sure, the evil bitch could rot in hell. He'd happily die rather than go back to her, he knew that now. Too bad he didn't feel the same way years ago, it would have saved many lives, maybe even his own. For a few years he'd been trying to figure out if there was a way for him to survive without returning to her, but every time it got to bad he'd go back to her. She'd let him go again, because she always knew he'd come back within a few months.

Then, he didn't come back. He knew she was waiting for him, but he knew that he couldn't keep doing what he was, and so he didn't go back. That's why she was hunting him, he knew, to get him back. Because he was strong, she'd made him like that. She'd given him the power to beat her, and she knew that now, she just didn't expect him to break from her control.

Suddenly, Leo entered the room. His eyes widened when he saw his brother awake, and he immediately rushed over with a quick exhale of, "Raph?"

Raph saw that Leo's shoulder was bandaged, and he immediately felt guilty for causing it. He stared at Leo, and Leo stared back. Both were silent, and then Leo broke it.

"Where have you been?" Leo demanded.

Raph didn't answer; he didn't know what to say. How could he really answer that without telling Leo what he'd been doing and he knew he couldn't tell them, no matter what. He could tell Leo knew it was no use questioning him, but what was the fault in trying?

"What have you been taking?" Leo asked, this time softer, "We need to know so we can help."

"I can help myself," Raph argued. He knew that _she_ also had something else – an antidote of sorts. There were only two antidotes, and one was death, the other was something only _she _possessed. Raph had tried to get it, and was still trying, but it was beginning to look hopeless. He couldn't drag his brothers into this.

"Obviously not," Leo said, "Just let us try."

"No," Raph immediately snapped, "Don't need your help."

"Do you _want _to die?!" Leo demanded.

"If I have ta," Raph answered, though he knew he shouldn't have. It may have been the truth, but it would never go over with Leo well.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Leo asked, "You're not just going to die! What is wrong with you, Raph, how can you have changed so much yet not changed at all?"

Raph simply shrugged, he had no answer. He could barely remember what he'd been like that many years ago, but he knew he would never have just rolled over and died. _And I ain't now, _he told himself, but he knew he basically was. His old self would have found a way to succeed, but he had changed so much now. Back then he'd had something to fight for, a family that wanted him; a worried father and a baby brother who looked up to him. He'd lost that now, all he had was two brothers who he figured could take after themselves, after all they had for the past so many years.

"Do you even care what we think?"

Raph didn't answer, he really couldn't. He usually didn't care what they thought about most things, but he did care about what they would think if they ever found out what he could never tell them.

"How can you be so eager to die?"

Eager? Raph wasn't eager, but he knew it would save uncountable lives. He couldn't keep adding to the blood already on his green, three fingered hands.

"What is your problem?!"

"My problem?" he snapped his head up to meet his brother's gaze, "Exactly. It's _my _problem, not yours, not Don's, it's mine!" he snapped, "So let _me _deal with _my _problem on _my_ own!"

"But we can help you, as a family!" Leo argued.

"No," Raph disagreed, "We're not family anymore..."

"But we are!"

"Drop it, Leo," Raph demanded.

Leo actually listened. Well, temporarily. When his blue-clad brother left the room, Raph sighed in relief and lay back. In no time at all, he'd drifted off to sleep.

His dreams were filled with darkness, thick and everlasting, and laughter. _Her _laughter. Her eyes appeared every now and then. As blue as ever and glittering with amusement at him. He was used to these dreams, and the scenes he saw of the many times he'd hurt his family... physically and emotionally, and as always, the reason he could no longer refer to them as his family.

That one night that he did something he deeply regretted to this very day.

When he awoke, he was, as always, covered in a cold sweat. He wiped his face with his hands tiredly, and glanced around. The room was empty. He sat up slowly and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Though his muscles were slightly shaky, he managed to stand with next to no trouble and started his way out and to the bathroom.

After relieving himself, Raph headed back to the infirmary to see if his sai was there so that he could get out of there. It wasn't. He searched through all the junk in the infirmary, then the dojo, the living room, he even searched the kitchen, but found nothing. As he was just exiting the kitchen, the voice of Leo came from behind him.

"Looking for this?" he asked.

Raph spun around to see Leo leaning back on the table, holding Raph's sai. "Give it back," Raph growled.

"I don't think so," Leo said, "Why won't you let us help you?"

"Because I won't," Raph answered, which didn't really answer Leo's question.

"I want an answer," Leo demanded.

"You wouldn't understand," Raph said

"Try me," he responded.

Raph took a deep breath, figuring it would hurt to tell Leo at least a portion of it, just to get him to shut up and give Raph his sai back.

"It's too dangerous, I don't want you to get involved," Raph said truthfully, "I've already caused enough death, but not anymore."

"What happened to you?" Leo asked, softer this time, now that he was getting some answers.

"I can't really tell you," Raph said, "You'll do something stupid. I know you," he said loudly when Leo went to argue, "but I'm figuring it out. Don't get involved with those guys with the blue dogis, they're dangerous."

"You act as though I'm not adequately trained," Leo said with a frown.

"You aren't," Raph said, "Not to deal with these guys, they've been trained in unearthly ways that you have no idea about."

"I could still help!" Leo argued.

"Only by staying out of my way," Raph returned, "She wants you and Don now too, so stay cautious and hidden, hopefully I can kill her before she can do anything."

"She?" Leo was understandably confused, "Who is she?"

"Her name is Cherish," Raph answered, "She's their leader, the one who captured me after I left here and has been controlling ever since. But I can get her, now, and that's what I'm gonna to do, I'm gonna kill that evil bitch so she can't do the same thing to anybody else."

"But that'll be dangerous, let us help!" Leo demanded.

"You can't," Raph said, "Now I've told you, give me my sai."

"No," Leo tucked the sai into his belt, "Don and I can help, we don't have so much to lose, and three's better than one."

"But I can't—"

"I'm the big brother," Leo interrupted, "I'm the leader and it's my decision."

Raph shrugged, "If you wanna throw yer life away, it's not my problem," he reasoned, he knew he'd feel better if they had his back, even if it was dangerous. They were ninja, they could put up with it.

"But I need to know everything," Leo said, sitting down.

"Fine," Raph agreed, much to Leo's surprise, and sat opposite him.

**.End Chapter 5.**

Sorry for cutting it off there, but it was longer than other chapters. Next chapter will be many explanations and answers... but still not what happened on the night of Mikey's death. I'm sorry, Mikey really is dead!


	7. Selfish

Oh my God, I am so sorry!!! I'd written this chapter, and it was completely different to this, then it got deleted. So, I tried to re-write it, but it wouldn't work. So I tried leaving it and I wrote some original fiction, but then I still couldn't write it. So I figured I needed to write the events differently to get it out.

So I used today, a day off school, and got this chapter out. It's short, I know, but it's something. I think I'm over my block. YAY!

I apologise if the writing's a little different or the characters are a little off. I haven't written any TMNT fanfic for ages, it's a relief to do so again.

Anyways, please read and review...

Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT and if I did I'd shoot myself for allowing 'Back to the Sewers'. lol

_**.Guilt.**_

_**.6.**_

_**.Selfish.**_

"Cherish is the leader of that clan ya fought before. She has some drug she uses to control 'em. It makes 'em relive the worst moments of their life, what they regret most, and uses it against 'em. When she first gives ya the drug ya ain't got no choice 'cept ta obey, the pain is unbearable, it drives ya insane. Then it eases, it gets better and ya think it's over and ya c'n escape. Then comes the seizures and pain, unbearable physical pain. It drives ya back to 'er for another dose and it all starts again."

Raph rubbed a palm tiredly over his face, and it was obvious to Leo that Raph had experienced this feeling far too often in the past years.

"She used it on me; I was one of 'er top guys. There was me and this other guy, Pierce. She kept a tight watch on us 'cause we were the only ones that could put up a fight. Me and Pierce trained together and planned to get outta there, but it didn't work.

"Cherish found out and Pierce distracted her. I had to run, Leo, ta get help... we needed someone on the outside... but... I left him... and he... he..."

Leo put a comforting hand over Raph's, noticing how messed up Raph seemed about his actions. He couldn't blame him, if Leo had been forced to run as his red clad brother had, he'd be ashamed of himself. But saying this wouldn't help the situation, so he settled for just saying, "We'll go back for him, Raph, we'll save him."

Raph nodded, obviously trying to convince himself. "I can't believe I left him..." he muttered.

"But we'll get him back. What else do you know about this 'Cherish'?"

Raph took a deep breath. "Not much, she wouldn't let us know anything. But I know that the seizures never end, and now I get nightmares because of that stupid drug." Raph wasn't exactly lying, but he would never mention he'd have those nightmares even without the drug Cherish had given him.

Leo knew better than to linger on this piece of information and instead asked. "Could we get in?"

Raph shrugged. "I'd have ta get a message to Peirce, but you guys'd hafta fight. These ninjas are so strong and fast..."

"We can handle ourselves, Raph," Leo assured, "Don't worry about us."

"But you have no idea..."

"Raph, Donny and I can hold our own."

Just then, Donny stumbled into the kitchen. "Gees Raph, you're soundin' like Leo," he said, his words slightly slurred. His brothers watched in silence as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Donny, we have to take down Cherish," Leo said.

"Cherish?" Don recognised the name from just before Raph passed out, "It's a person?"

"Yeah, and she's the reason for Raph's condition. We're going to take her down," Leo said, sounding very much like Raph.

"Does she have an antidote?" Don asked.

Raph nodded. "Yeah, she does."

"Great. Where is it?"

Leo repeated the details Raph had given him. While he was doing that, Raph exited the kitchen and walked slowly, just thinking. He was weak, he thought, because he had to rely on his family. He'd broken his promise to himself that he'd never get them involved; never put them in that much danger, but he couldn't keep it. No, he'd made a total of two promises and he couldn't keep one of them, he just hoped he could keep the second.

He had promised himself that they would never know what happened, what he did... why he didn't deserve to be included in their team or their family. Why he had to leave, and after he escaped Cherish, why he would leave again. Because they could never know that he was the one who...

His train of thought stopped as he noticed he was in the dojo. He put a hand on his old punching bag that was still hanging where he'd left it, coated in dust. It warmed his heart to see they'd kept it there. He looked around the rest of the dojo. Not much had changed, except before the dojo had been a place to train and practice and perfect his skills. Now it was empty and dusty, and held nothing of interest to him. He was disheartened at this, and exited a moment later.

He glanced around the living area. Where there was once a huge television monolith, there was now a pile of three TVs, the bottom one with a huge hole in the screen. They were also coated in dust, just like everything else. He noticed that the sofa was more worn than it used to be, dirt moulded with the material, making it look very uncomfortable, even compared to the lumpy thing it had been years ago.

It was sad how the family had fallen apart, and it all started with the death of their youngest brother, Michelangelo. It's my fault, Raph thought, if I'd just protected him better, or if I'd waited. If I'd only waited a few minutes.

'If only'. Raph hated those words, yet he used them so often. If only he'd waited, everything would be good. But he didn't. He thought he was doing the right thing, Mikey thought he was doing the right thing, and Raph didn't hesitate. If he'd have hesitated, he would never have ever gone through with it, and Mikey would be alive. His family would be together.

Damn Mike for convincing him to do it, Mikey knew he'd regret it. But he had to do it; Mikey had told him that, for his baby bro, he had to do it. And he did. And he'd regretted it every day since it happened.

"Raph..."

Raph spun around to face Donny.

"Do you want to tell April you're here?"

"No," Raph said immediately. He'd be leaving again soon, and he didn't think he could hurt April by leaving again after such a short time.

"But Raph, we'll need her help, and she'll want to know you're here. She knows you're alive already," Don said.

Raph really wanted to see April, to hug their human friend, but he shouldn't. It's selfish if she knows you're here; you'll break her heart again, he tried to convince himself.

But he wanted to see April again so bad that his resistance weakened and he finally nodded. "Fine, but tell her I ain't stayin' long. I'll be gone once Cherish is dead."

"You'll what?" Don exclaimed, "Why not hang around? We all want you to, and whatever you did, you can get through it. You're strong Raph. Please stay?"

"I can't," he was saying no to more than Don's plea, he was saying no, he couldn't get through it. What he had done was unforgivable, and no one could help him, not even his brothers.

If they only knew, he thought to himself, they wouldn't want me to hang around, they'd want me gone. It was this that he used to keep his resistance strong.

"At least stay long enough to make a rational decision about this," Don begged.

Raph nodded, he knew what his decision was already. That meant he could get out of there as soon as it was over, and still obey Don.

"You promise?"

"Promise."

And he wouldn't break that promise.

"Great, I'm gonna go call April."

As Don walked away, Raph sighed. They had to get rid of Cherish soon; before he let his brothers make him do something else. He had to leave before they made him do something he didn't want to, and he had no doubt that they could. He was weak now; he'd give them almost anything if they pushed hard enough. He had to leave as soon as was possible.

That way he wouldn't take the selfish option and stay here. They didn't want him. They didn't know it yet, but after what he did, they didn't want him to stay. It would be selfish of him to do so.

_Or are you being selfish and weak by fleeing the past and the truth? _A familiar voice asked him, a voice he'd heard in his head a thousand times, and wished he'd once again hear in reality. Mikey.

_You owe them the truth at least, and to let them judge you how they want. Don't assume what they'd say. When they hear the truth, they won't want you to go. No matter what you did, you're still brothers, and they'll want to keep that..._

**.End Chapter 6.**

Again, I'm so SORRY!!

Please review and let me know if you still want me to finish it :)


End file.
